Raven's Diary
by kittyfox9
Summary: Dare you read it? It is her own private journal where she recolects everything. (She has a very good memory). In it there is the secret she has kept from everyone... You have been warned - BBxRa
1. January 3rd

1/3/05

NOTE: **read this diary and die**

"Ouch!" It was Beast Boy, I could tell. He was across from me making a 'king sandwich', "Ow! I bit my lip again! Fricken fangs…" I snickered, "Rae it's not funny!" he snapped, "My lip's bleeding like crazy!" My heart stopped…

"…Bleeding?" I asked.

"Yea! Hey, hand me a napkin so I can wipe it up. It just hurts like a mother, that's all."

I looked next to my left hand where the napkins were. My mouth was watering. Just the word 'blood' made my whole body turn cold. I looked at my fingers; the tips began to turn black. "_My powers…_" I whispered under my breath.

"What Rae? Just get me a napkin ok?" Beast Boy's impatient nagging snapped me out of my trance.

"Here," I floated a napkin over to him. He quickly cleaned the bright, shining, glistening, luscious… never mind. He just cleaned his lip.

"Are you guys' hungry?" Robin trotted over to the counter.

"Yea, but not after I eat my 'King Sandwich!'" Beast Boy declared then quickly shoved the whole thing into his mouth and swallowed.

"Well me, Star, and Cyborg want to go out and get something. Wanna come?" Robin was looking at me, like I would care.

"Dude! I'm still hungry! Raven we have to go! I think I might die!" Beast Boy blurted.

"That can be arranged," I replied coldly.

Now Robin, totally oblivious to the conversation said, "So… are you coming?"

"Fine," I said with a sigh. I'll make myself a note: kill Beast Boy, strangle Robin. (Just kidding – I AM funny)

"Sweet!" Beast Boy practically jumped, "Where are we goin?"

Robin just smiled. I could tell this was not going to be good. And believe me, I can sense these things. I get it from my dad's side. I hate him.

**Later:**

We got home about five minutes ago. It's just 11:38 now. (Thank you digital clock beside my bed) Here's what happened:

Robin took the "T" car, (with all of us crammed into it, I might add), and Cy drove us to a little, random, unheard of club. I think its name was "The Black Light", but that doesn't matter. A few minutes after we arrived, someone in the club announced that tonight was karaoke night. Starfire was overjoyed, (woo), "Oh what a wondrous occasion!" She exclaimed, "Shall we speak sweet words into the metal ball of volume?"

"Naw," replied Cy, "I think just one of us should go up. It'll be a riot!" He began to laugh.

"I like t—" Starfire squealed by Robin cut her off saying, "I don't think that's a good idea Star. The last time you sang, almost all of the windows in the tower broke."

"Oh yes," She said sadly, "my apologies." She blushed. ( ---- my cheeks never get rosy pink. They are always pale as the snow… another note to myself: I hate them too)

"They don't have MY kind of music here – it's all slow" Cy complained.

Beast Boy began to play his air guitar and mumble a few words that probably meant nothing.

"I can't sing, and Beast Boy would get us kicked out." Robin observed. (Wow, he actually knew something)

Then 8 eyes were staring at ME! I opened my mouth to speak but they pushed me up to the stage and said a few things to the DJ which I did not hear because I was yelling and kicking all the way up there. (I probably hit some random people on my way up, but who cares)

"And now, our first karaoke of the night!" The DJ said on the loud speaker. Then he leaned over to me and gave me the mike, "So what do ya wanna sing?" he said softly.

"Uh…" I couldn't think so I just choose the first thing that came to my head, "…Breathe No More" That's a good song, I thought. Can I even sing?

The music started. I was singing mono tone! Like how I speak! I looked over to the team who were beside themselves trying not to laugh. I thought I would cry. _Hold your emotions, Raven_. I thought to myself. There was a brief interlude in the song. So I took a deep breathe and let my feelings go,

"Lie to me! Convince me that I've been sick forever

And all of this will make sense when I get better"

I looked over back to the team, they're eyes were wide. And Beast Boy, his mouth was wide open and he was drooling! (Did I do something wrong?)

"All the little pieces falling shatter

Shards of me too sharp to put back together"

I looked at the other faces in the audience. (Well, the ones I could see behind the blazing light shinning on me) They were smiling. Is that good?

"… So I believe,

Bleed! I bleed and I brea – "

It was the last chorus of the song and I just stopped. I forgot about the last chorus… and how it changed. "Bleed" it said, "I bleed."

Blood. I remembered Beast Boy's lip. I looked wide eyed over to the titans with my mike still up to my face. The DJ noticed quick enough to turn the song down to make it look like I finished. It worked. No one noticed. Not even my team. I dropped the microphone like a bee had just stung my hand.

"Wow!" it was the DJ on the loudspeaker again, "What a voice! Raven everyone! Raven!"

People were clapping they're hands and whistling and calling out to me. I didn't hear them. All I could hear was the pounding of my own heart. It became louder and louder and louder!

The titans came up to the stage. Beast Boy still had his mouth open with a fresh pile of saliva trailing behind him.

"Amazing…" he mumbled. I saw his lip. It was healed, mostly. Just a line remained. _Maybe I could reopen it. Just a taste of that tempting…_

"No! " I called out, "No!" I screamed. I made my powers enclose me. I looked like a shadow on the wall.

"Raven!" Robin yelled, "Don't -" he was too late. He is always too late. I had already passed through the floor and out of the building. _I want to go home_, I thought. And thankfully my powers took me there.

So here I am, diary. The team should be home soon. I need to hide you again. Diary, I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's from that one night… oh! They're here! I'll tell you tomorrow.

Good night


	2. January 5th

1/5/05

NOTE: **why are you still reading?**

Yesterday, I was in my room hiding under my covers. Why am I fascinated by blood? Then the team came home. How could I possibly explain this to them when I don't even know how to explain it to myself?

"Raven?" Cyborg called through the metal barrios of my door, "Can we come in? Are you ok?"

""I'm fine, thank you," I could just see their faces, "Go away now."

One after the other I could hear their foot prints leaving. I sighed. Finally they were gone. Anyways, why would they care about how I felt? THEY were the ones who wanted me to go on stage to make a fool out of myself. (I guess they got their wish)

"Rae?" Beast Boy was standing by my bed.

"How did you get in?" I mumbled from under the sheets.

"Oh, I just turned into a flea and crawled under your door."

I almost laughed, "You are a flea"

He didn't take any notice of my little insult, "Raven, what happened back there? You were amazing!"

I didn't speak. Beast Boy grabbed the blankets and pulled them down past my face.

"Tell me what's wrong or I'll have Starfire come in here and feed you some of her crazy foods."

I smiled faintly, "Great,"

"So ………. You were gonna tell me something?"

I was? Oh yes, "I've been feeling kinda psycho lately, that's all" I lied.

He raised his eye brow, "What the f -"

"Fine!" I had to tell somebody, "I've had these weird cravings. I don't know what to do! And every time I get slightly reminded of it, I get consumed in just the thought of it!"

Beast Boy's eyes became big, "Aw c'mon," he said sweetly, "Don't cry Rae,"

Was I crying? I don't cry. I felt my cheek, it was wet and cold. My bottom lip began to quiver. (What is this?)

Beast Boy reached down and hugged me. Now I was short of breath and the saddest sounds sprung out of me.

It felt good, I guess, having Beast Boy there holding me tightly.

"We'll have Robin do some tests or something and everything will be fine, ok?"

I took my sleeve and wiped my eyes, "mmmhmmm" was all I could say.

"I'm gonna go and get the team together. Come down and meet us soon."

"..K" I said robotically. He hugged me again.

"Don't worry Rae" and then he went out of the room. And that was all. And just one more not for the future: crying, I don't "do" crying. Rather, I won't do it again.

**Later:**

I walked into the room and everyone was staring at me.

"Friend Raven, have you contracted some disease? Are you soon going to resemble a Tamaranian griffnark?" Starfire has a lovely way of putting things.

"No," I hissed, "I'm just weird, as usual. With weird cravings"

Beast Boy's pointy ears sank down. (I guess he remembers the whole Malchior thing)

"And fellow friend Beast Boy, why is your shoulder stained with salt water? Is it customary to dip one's shoulder in -"

"No, Starfire," Beast Boy said passively. (Please don't tell them I cried) "Its noting, just something I did." He finished.

I could have smiled. But I didn't. (Sometimes I think I've forgotten how)

"Whatever, man," replied Cyborg, "Raven, Robin and I are going to need to take a sample of your DNA to check it for any subtle differences. Whenever strange cravings happen, something is released in the DNA. We can figure it out from there."

"Yea," Robin said, "It's gonna take three days though, tops," He raised his hand and gestured.

"You need some DNA, huh?" I asked.

They nodded their heads.

"Well here," I quickly pulled out a strand of my hair and sent it over to Cyborg.

"We'll get on it right now," Cy said and began to walk away.

"Until we find out what is exactly going on, just be careful with what you eat." (or drink I'd say) Robin said and then followed after Cyborg.

There was silence. Nice, clean, pure… "Oh dear Raven!" (Never mind, not anymore) "I shall make you the pudding of happiness!" Starfire squealed and floated off in the kitchen's direction.

Beast Boy smiled at me, "I guess I should go and change my shirt" He said weakly.

"Yea..." is all I said. Wait! "Wait!" I called.

"What?"

"I need to tell you about the reason why I think I'm acting this way."

"What happened, Rae?"

(A/N: I hope you like it! The story is about to get really really really really good! Thank you to all of my reviewers! muah! sorry this chapter was soo short. But believe me, the next one is gonna be wicked awesome!!!)


	3. January 6th

1/6/05

NOTE: **STOP now**

Sorry, dear Dairy. They almost found you. I should change your hiding spot from under my bed. I'll do that later though. Anyway, here's the rest of what happened:

Beast Boy said, "You're not pregnant," He tilted his head, "Are you?"

"No!" I almost slapped him. I'm not like that. He should know. But, does anyone even really know me? (Off track again, blah!) "Come with me" I took Beast Boy out into an open hallway so none of the other titans could hear me.

"I thought it was dream, but now that everything is getting strange, I think it did."

"I don't follow, but ok" Beast Boy replied.

"I was downtown, not a week ago, and I went to sit in the park just to relax," (Or to get away), "Anyway, I heard a voice from the other side of the unlit park. It was so beautiful. It called me and, and I followed."

"Rae?"

"I, I came to the voice. It was a man, I don't quite remember his face, but I could recognize him if I would see him. He spoke to me; I don't remember what because I was in a trance or something. There was lust, there as passion, there was hope… and then…"

"What? Then what?"

"He bit me." I moved the collar of my shirt down and revealed two teeth marks. Beast Boy's eyes grew wide and he was groping for words.

"And my craving isn't for food,"

"It can't be," he said in disbelief, "No."

"It is for blood."

Beast Boy leaned against the wall and took a deep breath, "No, Rae, it must have been wrong. There's no such thing as vampires. Like when I bit my lip, it might seem like… I don't know. But when it bled, you weren't…."

Bleed? Blood? I started breathing erratically. I didn't know it but my hand began to move towards his neck. His eyes met mine and then he looked at my hand. I came in front of him pinning him against the wall. My body was on his, he became slightly afraid and began to say something but I put my pointer finger on his lips. Now my hand was around his neck. (What was I doing?) I breathed down his neck. I licked my teeth and felt that two of them were longer… and sharper. I began to kiss his neck when he grabbed me and shook me.

"Raven! Raven! Stop! Snap out of it!"

"Suddenly I couldn't remember what I was doing, "I'm, I'm s-s…" and then I feinted.

"Rae!" I heard him say just before everything went black.

I woke in my bed, and here I am now. Diary, I think I might be a…vampire. Why can't I just die? I'll write more later diary, sorry but – I have to go. Bye.


	4. January 8th

1/8/05

NOTE: **why?**

Cyborg and Robin confirmed today that I am indeed a vampire. Well, BECOMING one anyway. Today I am supposed to go to the movies with the titans. They think that it might help me to be "happy". (I don't do happy either; I don't know why they thought it would help.) So, now I'm just getting ready to go. Can I tell you something, diary? I'm kinda hoping to sit by Beast Boy. (I can't even believe myself sometimes) Oh! I need to get back to changing. I'm not wearing my usual blue. I'm wearing the darkest, most morbid black I can find. I'll also lie on the eyeliner extremely thick. Maybe if I look like a vampire, it won't be such a shock to everyone when I become one. I'll be back later, diary.

**After the movie:**

Oh My God! – Oh! No!

At the movie everything was fine, (I was sitting next to Beast Boy). I got bored in the middle of it and started looking around the dark room. I could actually see, it wasn't like night vision or anything, but I could actually see everything perfectly. Beast Boy squeezed my hand and gave a smile. (I don't know why he did that, but whatever). I started to hear a song it my head. It was so beautiful and… and it was the song I heard from that night at the park. I looked above me and I saw HIM. Just like how I remembered him. He was sitting on a banister hanging from the ceiling. His eyes stared straight through me. They were glowing white. His hair was black and spiked. He was wearing all black and a black trench coat. Then he smiled at me showing his fangs. He motioned for me to come up to him. I began to levitate but Beast Boy grabbed my foot and pulled me back down.

"Rae, is everything ok? Are you feeling sick again?" Beast Boy asked.

"No-" I said robotically.

Beast Boy turned back to the movie when Starfire began to ask him a question. At that point no one was looking at me and I flew up to the music. He was singing the song – here is what I remember of it:

"Let darkness consume you

Let the darkness hide you from the light

Give in to me

Give in to your darkest dreams

You are now a child of the dark

Come with me"

(Could no one else hear that? Could no one hear him?)

He reached his hand out to me and I took it. I sat on his lap.

"Hello sweet one, remember me?" he said.

I did not speak.

"Let me finally make you into one of us," he lifted his left hand and bit his finger. It began to bleed.

BLOOD

"Hurry and drink before it is all gone, sweet one," he moved his finger toward me and placed it on my shut lips. I did not open my mouth. (I still had some control I suppose). Eventually he pulled it way. I noticed there was something on my lips.

"Yes, lick it, clean it off" he whispered

I licked my upper lip and realized I had just licked his blood which was left from his finger. It was delicious, so I licked my lips dry of it.

"More? Oh not yet, wait a while,"

My heart felt like it was going to burst. It beat harder and faster. It hurt. I wished it would pop out of my chest to end the pain. It hurt so badly. And finally it stopped. There was no more breathing, mo more movement within me. My head fell backwards and my body went limp. The whole room went black.

Then I awoke to HIS lips on mine.

"Now was that so bad?" he asked.

I wanted to take in a breath to answer, but I noticed that I was not breathing. I WAS NOT BREATHING!

"What did you do to me?" I rasped.

"Only what your wildest dreams ever wanted. Now you are connected to the night… to the darkness."

Then he floated down to the theater floor and set me down.

"Go now to your friends. Say your goodbyes, sweet one. But hurry, it may be soon when you need to feed. I will come for you later, love." Then he disappeared through the floor.

I stumbled down the walkway to the seats and planted myself in my seat by Beast Boy.

"Rae, where were you? Did you go to the bathroom or something? You're not sick right?" He asked sympathetically.

"I was sick --" (and I don't think I'll ever get better).

I think I'm going to throw up. I'll write later diary.


	5. January 12th

1/12/05

NOTE: **I hate myself**

Diary let me tell you about the last few days... I'll start from getting home from the movies:

"Raven do you need help? Your walking kinda everywhere," Robin said blandly.

"Oh yes, dear Raven, do you need assistance?" Starfire chirped in.

"Just-" I signed, "Don't" I told them.

Cyborg gave me a strange look but said nothing. Beast Boy didn't look at me at all. (So what now? Now that I'm a supposed vampire, I am all of a sudden not sought after?) Slowly I made it up to my room. Never had I felt so along. And believe me, diary, I have been very, very alone. I looked in the mirror on my dresser, maybe I needed more makeup.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" I screamed. Beast Boy, Starfire, Robin, and Cyborg bust into my room. (All in that order).

"Raven…" they said in unison.

"I – I" I couldn't breathe. Ohm I forgot, I don't DO that now either, "My reflection is almost gone!"

They all turned to the mirror and looked hesitantly. You couldn't see the details of my face, or the fingers on my hands, or the skin of my legs. All you could see in their place was a blur of skin tones and hues. They all stared at me dumbfounded like I would have an explanation. (WELL I DON'T!)

"Go!" I screamed. They didn't move. "Go!" I called again.

Beast Boy ran over and hugged me, 'Remember this, Raven? Remember? You have to! You're not gone yet and I won't let you go!"

"Beast Boy, look at me!" I said, "Look!" I motioned over my whole body, "Look what I've become. Beast Boy, I'm not breathing."

He stared.

"I want blood."

Still he said nothing.

"Beast Boy!" (Was he even listening?) "Look at my teeth, I have fangs. I have fangs! I'm not like you – I'm not like anyone."

"No, Rae, it's not true!"

"Yes it is! I'm sorry but I have to go! …before I hurt any of you, I have to say good-bye."

"No!" he screamed and held me tighter than ever, "I love you, Raven, and I won't let you leave like this!"

(He loves me? Someone loves me? Is that possible?)

Beast Boy let loose one hand and grabbed my face and pulled it towards his. (Was he going to kiss me? Yes, I think he was!) His eyes were watering, either that or he was crying. Just then the windows broke in and we all were knocked to the ground. Beast Boy acted as a human shield over me. (Great wonders that would do with on coming glass)

"Time's up, sweet one," a voice said from outside one of the windows, "Come with me,"

I was floating towards the window, but it wasn't me doing the floating. It was HIM somehow pulling me I guess. Everyone in the room was frozen, as if in a stand still.

"What did you do to them?" I cried.

"Just kept them calm that's all, its easier this way, don't you think?"

"Fix it now before I kill you!"

"Love, don't be angry. Here," he snapped his fingers and the team began to blink again, "Now were gone," and with that he pulled me into a shadow and we were gone. I never knew vampires can travel THROUGH darkness but they can. WE can. I swear I can still hear Beast Boy in my head. He loves me, he said so himself. Can I love? I mean NOW that I'm… this… (Grrr – I can't think!) I managed to slip you, diary, into the inner side of my cape in a zipper pocket. Really, diary, you are not so big. Oh, back to what happened…

I was in a dark place, (obviously I could see), HE was standing next to me.

"Who am I? You ask," he said softly. He was reading me thoughts because I didn't not say anything. And I had not planned to either, "My name is Jagger. I am a vampire and my turn on's include bloodsucking and sleeping in the daytime." (Ha ha- no. Wow he made a joke, woo hoo).

"You may be wondering a few things, I know. But I need not tell you anything. Just know that you belong to me. Now go and rest," he motioned to a room behind me and with a twist of his wrist I was cast into it. I heard his voice through the door that rapidly shut. "This is my lair, love. You are in your new room, and I shall be in mine. Dare you ever need me just scream. I will answer. Oh and some advice, stay out of the light… forever." Then everything was silent. I was sitting on the floor where I was thrown and began to weep. Why? Why? So here I am now. I won't have a problem hiding you, diary, seeing how there are many places where you would easily fit. I hate my life. My life like this. I have a plan, diary, but you need to wait because I don't trust this place. I will tell you soon though. But I do wish to see Beast Boy again.

(Note to self: oh, and guess again. I can love, and I do.)


	6. January 14th

1/14/05

NOTE: **hope?**

Here, diary, this is big. Listen…

"Cast me away like a piece of paper

Leave me alone in the cold

It's too late to save me – let me go

I'm not alive but behold

I don't breathe, but I love…" I was singing. What else could I do alone in the dark?

"Dear one, come to me," It was Jagger. Now I 'belonged' to him. The door flew open and I was lifted to my feet from off of the floor. I said nothing.

"Sing again," he pleaded, "Sing,"

I did not speak.

"You must be getting hungry…"

No I wasn't. It's like I don't have to eat anymore.

"Not for food love, you know, blood."

There it is again, 'blood'. Always and forever will it taunt me.

"I'd rather slit my own writs and drink from them before I take another's" I snapped.

Jagger just smiled. He knew. He knew that my insides were burning, that my tongue seemed to be rotting in my mouth. That my very energy was decreasing with each passing moment. He KNEW that I was killing myself inside. He knew.

He came close to me, (too close), "whenever you want it," he whispered, "go get it,"

I turned my face away before his hand touched my cheek.

"Go get it," he repeated and stroked my face. As he walked out of my room, all I could think of was Beast Boy.

…Dear Beast Boy…

**More…**

That was yesterday, diary and I have good news! (Very good news, I just might smile – for once). Remember how I told you that we could travel THROUGH darkness? Yea, guess what. I know how.

It was very late at night. Just the time that Jagger was gone out to feed. (He does not know that I know that he doesn't know that I know how to travel through darkness)  wow, remind me not to think so hard again. (Ouch!) Anyway, there was a particularly dark spot in my 'room". Here I could leave this retched place.

"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!" I used my powers to help me pass through. And I did.

I was at the foot of Titans Tower. _Perfect,_ I thought. I floated up to my window. The lights were on. (Light hurts my eyes so bad! It's a living nightmare! … Well my whole life is a living nightmare. Will I ever wake up?). I saw Beast Boy sitting on my bed. I mumbled my incantation again and passed though the shadow on the window into a dark corner in my room. Beast Boy was still on the bed looking at one of my many picture frames. It was of him and me. I was almost smiling and he was in some crazy pose. He made a noise. He was crying. (Over me? Don't cry, Beast Boy)

"Don't cry, Beast Boy," I said very raspy. He turned around quickly dropping the picture and shattering it on the floor.

"Raven?!" he called out anxiously.

"Turn some of the lights off" I ordered. He did so. All the lights were off, save one lamp by Beast Boy which slightly illuminated the whole room. I was crawling on the ceiling wall, my cape hanging below me. Swiftly I moved to the side wall and slightly closer. I must have looked like a cockroach crawling on the wall like that. I was like a centipede tormenting the person who had to stare at me. Finally I stood on the ground.

"I thought I'd lost you…" Beast Boy said inching closer and closer to me.

"Stop, Beast Boy," I ordered. I was unsure of what I might do while I am like this. He stopped. "I need your help," I said.

"No, Raven! We're going to cure you and keep you away from that freak!"

"Beast Boy,"  
"I love you Rae! Didn't you hear me say it before?!"

(Yes I remember, but I didn't think he MEANT it…)

Tears were rolling down his cheeks, "Don't go again…" he managed to finally say.

"I can't believe you said that to me. Why would you love me? Why would anyone?"

"Without you I'm broken, I'm not complete,"

"I - " I love him… i LOVE him…

"Open my chest, Beast Boy," I said weakly. He had an astonished look on his face but did as I said.

"I cannot open it because I put a spell on it which keeps anything undead from opening it,"

He didn't even look at me over in the corner of the room.

"Get the book that says 'Vampires and Likens'"

He did, and he handed it to me. He looked in my eyes then at the ground.

"Thank you," I whispered and began to sink into the shadow behind me, "I love you too," I finished. His eyes darted back and sparkled at me. I love him. I love him, and I think he really does love me.

Now, diary, I have to look for a cure. I have glanced at this book once before and I believe there IS a cure. I WILL escape Jagger, and I WILL go home.


End file.
